Dang curser...taunting me
The curser mocks me.
Blinking endlessly...waiting for direction.....words......to be typed.........by..........ME! It’s Thursday and I’m drawing a blank. What?! Thursday, blog post day, and I’m mentally frozen.
Let me backup and set the stage a sec....I have an aversion to consistency. I stress with ongoing obligations or tasks, so much so that I occasionally sabotage the plan....I forget or downright refuse. About the only thing I do daily is brush my teeth and wash my face and even then I can’t promise perfection. Having that disclaimer out in the open I can say I’ve been pretty darn excellent at blogging on a weekly basis ... every Thursday. (Pat on the back) Since last December I don’t think I’ve missed one week....whoa yay, good for me (enter sassy tone of voice)!!
I usually start ruminating my weekly blog post Monday morning. I start writing...thinking...asking....writing....drawing deep.....rewriting. But this week is different. I feel as if I’m free falling.... into the abyss of thought and word and emotion....a certain numbness from sitting too long in the sun.
Blinking ... curser....won’t stop! Need words.....to make......this.....work.
For a moment let’s take a wee trail....stick with me....confession of guilt:
I do love reading a good book written by a brilliant human...especially one I can understand, agree with (most of the time), be challenged by, and relate to.
I wish beyond your wildest imagination that I were a skilled wordsmith like that famous Christian author lady, Jen Hatmaker, crafting her sentences so eloquently....her words piercing your heart, cracking you up, making you cry...all in the same paragraph. Or that sweet Brené Brown who researches a subject till her eyes pop out then spews out perfectly placed fancy words, some of which I’ve never heard. They touch my heart to the core.
Yes I’m guilty of word envy.
I’m ashamed to admit it, really. How dare I compare myself to them. I’ve never professed to be a writer.....I’ve always wanted to be one, secretly but ever since my pregnancy and or last major head injury....fractured skull (whichever is to blame for erasing my once moderately intermediate vocabulary, keeping my comfort zone in the grade school grouping) I’ve drawn an incredible blank when it comes to formulating full thoughts....in writing and even in real life. It’s embarrassing to say the least. When I call the ketchup marshmallow or laundry a blizzard. Literally mixing up words with words that have no relation whatsoever. I even called my car a watermelon for crying out loud. Words come out but they don’t always make any sense.
Reason I’m laying it all bare here? I’m working at being truthfully and sometimes painfully transparent with you. Don’t get my wrong I have my share of skeletons camping in my closet for reasons I’ll keep to myself but I’m working at being more open. Bottom line is before I started typing these words I had not a clue in the heavens what to put on this page....let alone what picture to attach to it (you know how I feel about pictures). I don’t have a mind blowing subject or life altering news flash to hit you with. Nothing to go viral and spark endless conversations. I simply have .... life to report and confessions to be made. Lessons learned from a life on the road (or on the beach, as it stands).
You may or may not know that we left our comfort zone of work, family, community, church, decorating clients, and crap ton of stuff when we left Austin for Iowa roughly two years ago. Big city living in exchange for a quiet country farm life.....(with corn coming out of our ears ... pun intended). We had many moments to decompress, assess what’s important (family), get to know Grandpa (he’s nearly 90], dig deep into the well of emotions and feelings, cultivate relationships, rest, help and be helped. After 21 months of a peaceful farm life (several months of that being accented with powdery white snow...not a huge fan myself) we decided it was time to be moving on.
In July, we sold, gave and donated everything left from our Texas purging episode, basically everything we painstakingly hauled to Iowa! We traded in the convertible for a minivan (hello irony), said our tearful goodbyes to Sweet Gramps, and set out on the open road. First Vegas (I know, what an odd place to start, business thing) then Oregon and now sunny California. Spending a whole year looking for a new home state and possibly even one day settle down again...for a spell, anyway. We have 9 days left in Oceanside, CA and believe me when I say I will shed a tear. I absolutely LOVE living right on the beach. Going to bed hearing the sound of waves crashing against the sandy shore is beyond soothing....it’s hypnotic. I am blessed! I repeat this daily.
In the midst of our bless-ed adventures we live pretty normal lives. We go to the grocery store, car wash, Target, church, library, gelato place, laser tag, and the local homeless shelter (to volunteer once a week)....other than that I’m pretty much camped out at the beach. We’ve been praying more, reading our bibles more and worshipping the Lord (with worshipmob-look em up) more and more. We know the importance of putting priorities in order and we’re starting there....everyday. School work comes....it does. But we’re not going there today. I’ve been there enough times to know I’m not revisiting that topic anytime soon. (Read previous posts for that drama)
Blasted....when will these ping pong thoughts form into well-rounded, complete ideas? Is it me? Yes! Am I putting too much pressure on myself to complete sporadic thoughts and package them in such a way that I won’t look like a complete dork.....or like the dullest tool in the she shed? Yes.
Self preservation at its best....but let’s be real....I’m a mess!!!
With all my soul I want my words to have impact.
To resound with truth and comfort like a healing salve. I want people’s lives to be changed. This takes prayer and focus....and for me, probably a hundred other components perfectly aligning themselves. My sand-between-my-toes life isn’t going to rock anyone to the core. But there are small, noticeable changes being made in me and as I’m able to articulate and substantiate these changes I’ll be sure to share. The silence changes you.
One thing I’m uber excited about is spoken word poetry. I have two pieces in the works and one of them nearly memorized. Hopefully I can deliver it in Austin when we’re home this winter. They’re titled More And Less and Worth. In the process of this artful exploration I’m asking God for more (and less). So wait for it......it’s coming. But for today you’ll have to settle for a well-meaning lady’s minuscule word of encouragement which I’ll allow to finish up this rambling confession of awkwardness and messy ness.
In light of my new poetry.... I want to encourage you to be more. Be more kind, more gentle, more perceptive, more loving, more available, more tuned in, more compassionate, more understanding, more unique, more confident, more faithful, more adventurous, more humble, more easy going, more intense, more spiritual, more light hearted and more of whatever it is you’re lacking. Ask God to bring your more.
Then ask Him to give you less.....less pride, less anger, less jealousy, less comparison, less bitterness, less unforgiveness, less impatience, less of the junk we bottle inside. Remember, in all this more and less talk, you are enough! You are His creation! Created to do good on this earth.
He has some pretty awesome stuff in store just for you and your precious self. Don’t be afraid to ask!
I hope this argument with my curser and confession of a non-brilliant brain didn’t run you off....at least stick around for the pictures and adventures to come. I appreciate all your support, encouragement, and prayers from the bottom of my heart. I’d love if you’d comment below and tell us which MORE or LESS you’re focusing on to become a better version of you.
Love n hugs, friend.